Just a Pearl

These quotes from Steven Universe have been sorely relatable these days, as I find myself sinking back into a state of depression. For years, I've had no romance in my life, no job outside of retail hell (which somehow just keeps getting more and more exhausting), no success in my writing (despite how very much I am pouring into original, thought-out projects), no success in my finances (at this rate, I'll be in debt for the rest of my life due to college, and I can't even afford to take care of my progressively worsening dental problems, PLUS, I don't seem to have any future beyond my current life renting a room in a house with four other people).

On top of all of this, I've come to realize lately that my writing doesn't seem to matter.
It's not good enough on its own to warrant people's time or attention, much less money.
I can't even get my good friends, who I know love and care about me, to read my work these days.

And yet, I see all of my creative peers, from artists to musicians to programmers, all finding success, many even finding jobs doing what they do. When I spend money and time and effort on something to get attention out there for my projects, it never seems to lead anywhere. It doesn't stick. Because, I can only assume, no one gives a shit.

Unlike my creative peers, it seems I'm not good enough on my own.
Not as a writer, not as a friend, not as a lover -- I look back at the past decade of my life and realize this is nothing new. It has always been this way.

SRU, it seems, was just a fluke, because it filled a hole in a fandom. You all came for the Avatar fanfiction, and then pretty everyone left just as soon as I was done with that, even though you were basically reading original fiction in the first place.

I feel very lost in my life right now. The one thing that has been keeping me going is my writing, and to realize that this doesn't seem to matter has caused me to start losing my energy.

I want to write for myself, but it is so very difficult to do that when life has become so mundane, so exhausting, so...lacking in anything resembling a future.

I wasn't built for fighting, and yet I want to fight -- which means I keep getting my ass beat.
Just like Pearl.

I guess in the end, SRU was to me as Rose Quartz was to Pearl.

This magical mystical thing that I was deeply connected to, made me feel special, made me feel valued, gave me purpose, that a bunch of people also cared about and valued and were excited for...

And now that it's gone, it seems I'm useless on my own.